Organizing within Grief

Grief has a powerful effect on us. To lose someone, or something(s), that we loved, stirs a variety of emotions. The impact of grief can be felt as one navigates the non linear path of the 5 stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. How does one experience this array of emotions and then, within that framework, be able to go through and sort through a deceased loved one's things? How does someone put the pieces back together after a traumatic event? How can we deal with the emotional attachment of stuff that coincides with a specific person or event? This is what I hope to explore in this post. How we can take care of ourselves, while making good choices about our path forward, when we are in the throes of anguish, sadness, loss and immense change. 

The first thing to do is be kind to yourself. You are allowed the feelings you are having. Period. Whatever they are, they are allowed, and you are absolutely able to make good choices from a good place if you treat yourself with kindness. Go at a pace that is good for you, and take breaks when needed. Have a friend over or hire a professional organizer to help guide you. Do what it takes to make you feel comfortable. 

Second is to go in with the right mindset.  Going into a home, a storage unit, a room, filled with your loved one’s things is hard. There is no way to sugar coat that. It's hard, and it sucks and you are going to be overwhelmed, sad, happy, laugh, cry, pout, yell, and possibly not want to do it at all.  But if you approach it from a space of honor for the person, event or experience, you can have a positive experience. Play music, set your diffuser to stress relief, have your favorite drink by your side.  Remind yourself that this is an experience that your GET to have. You are the steward of this ship and your sorting, downsizing and donating, can go however you see fit. 

Next is to set your plan on what you will do with the stuff. Is the plan to keep it all? Are you going to donate it? How will you decide what to keep? Do you want to face it now or pack it up to be dealt with later? What is the end goal? Knowing this will help keep you on track when things get challenging. 

Preparation is everything; Getting ready to dive in. After you have taken care of you, it is time to get the room ready. I find having painters tape or stickers to write on, a marker to label bags and boxes and a utility knife to tidy boxes as you go helps the process flow. Create categories for the following: "Save for me", "save for others", "donate", "toss", "maybe", "I don’t know" and "sell". As you work through each item you will designate where it goes by placing it in the specified  bag or box. If you know exactly who something is going to or where you exactly want to donate something to then label it as such and place it in its spot.  With you preparations complete and a clear understanding of what your need for comfort, confidently set your mind to the task and start working your plan.

Remember that the most important thing is to be kind to yourself.

Now it's time to build confidence. In every task there is a bit of ease. Find that ease and start there. When you look around the room what do you see that is a no brainer? The items that you know exactly what pile they go into. Place those items in the correct area and congratulate yourself. For real. You have started and have already made progress. 

Go as fast or slow as is right for you. There is no right way to go through your loved ones belongings. Some items will go fast and others will require time. Give yourself the space to process a memory, a moment to be with the item, a time to grieve. It is okay and can be healing. Do not be embarrassed or apologize. You are a human with human emotions. You are doing a hard thing. Take your time and go at a pace that ultimately feels good to you. 

Things to consider when holding on to things for yourself or others. First and foremost it is important to understand that you can hold on to whatever you want or nothing at all. It isn’t up to anyone but you. Do not ever feel pressure to hold onto things that were not yours to begin with, out of fear of being judged, a habit of “collecting”, or indecision. If the item does not bring value or joy to your life, then why have it? You may end up with a lot of “I don’t know” and “maybe” at first and that is okay! Just remember when you combine the “keeps” with the “I don't know” and “maybe” that you keep only the best and pass on the rest. 

Sentimental item. This is a hard topic when sorting. There will inevitably be items that are a portkey that will take you back to warm memories of the person or events. It is important to note that you can hold the memory without holding the stuff.  Taking a photo, and making it a screensaver, or placing it in a frame may evoke the same emotion without the bulk of the item. Get real about your personal long term goals. Do you want to be in a house surrounded by everything your loved one ever owned or would just a few items be okay. Your life is ongoing. It is important to create a vision for your life with the acquired loved ones' stuff in it. It really and truly is okay to get rid of things. I seriously doubt your loved one meant to saddle you with everything they ever owned.

Ask Yourself. How many things do you need to remind you of this person? Is this your favorite thing of theirs? Does the new thing have an area to be cherished? A home? Is it useful? Do I want to dust it? How would my life be without it? Being kind to yourself and understanding that sometimes a “maybe” and an “I don't know” is part of the grieving process. It is okay to allow time to pass before making decisions on these items. 

Finally create Memory Boxes or set parameters for saving. You did it! I am so proud of you and your efforts. If you have items that you're kept, but don’t have a home in your house, now it's the time to create a memory box. You pick the size and the amount you want to care for. This box now contains your memories, is labeled and properly stored. Congrats! You did a hard thing! I hope you have taken the time to cherish your loved one during this time and have taken care of yourself.